After All these Years

I have heard it said that once you've had seven years of friendship, you are destined to stay life long friends. I couldn't possibly be more blessed to be friends with her. 

After all these years we aren't married, but sometimes we act like it. 

After all these years we aren't dating, though sometimes I want to. 

After all these years we are starting our dream business together. 

After all these years she is more beautiful than ever. 

After all these years she still tolerates me.

After all these years she still impresses me with her kindness, true love, and strong will. 

After all, what are friends for but to build each other up? She certainly does that for me. I reach higher peaks, cross larger rivers, and trek bigger valleys because she inspires me. 

She has always been and looks like she will always be wonderful. 

After all these years it appears to be against her very nature to be anything but. 

Power over fear.

I have so much to express, but no words come. It is as if they are afraid. Afraid, like I am afraid. I am not afraid of their shape but of their power. The power of words can be completely terrifying. Words cut through the body faster than any physical object ever could. You wait for years to hear the good words and spend hours dreading the bad. Then we realize words are only marks on a page or waves pounding on the beaches of our ears. We have power to assign meaning to the words and yet we are afraid. I am afraid of what your words mean. We are all frightened of what the words mean. 

Wildfire

(This is written in respect and memory of Johnny Ellis.)

That is what suicide is. Wildfire. Because your pain spreads to everyone, out of control. It leaps from person to person, clinging to everything. If you somehow feel that it will all just disappear when you leave, I am here to tell you it doesn't.  Pain is left with everyone you came in contact with and everyone that they meet.  Your memory will live on.  But not you.  And that is the pain that spreads like wildfire.

I never knew you. I don't even recall seeing your face in the halls, but I have met the people who met you. I have laughed with people who laughed with you. I have even cried with people who have cried with you and now for you. We are all interconnected and I am sorry that I never had the time to say hello or goodbye. And now I will never have the chance. 

I now pray that I can start a fire of my own; a fire that will touch every individual. A fire of love.  A fire of respect.  A fire of friendship and compassion.  A fire of belonging.  After all, we are all connected, even if some of us would not like to be. I affect your life and you affect mine. I hope for all people that when the time comes that they must die, that they die with their hand held in the hand of another human being. Don't die all alone with a blade or a bottle held in that hand.

Please choose to look to your side and see the person who thinks they are not seen. And please, please, see them.  Because when they are seen they are not alone.  They know there is someone else-someone who maybe cares. The slightest hope pierces the darkest night. 

Spread your fire of love to your brothers and your sisters.  To mothers and fathers.  To all people you meet. Because fire will spread whether or not you want it to. So we choose the fire.  A fire of pain or a fire of love.  If we choose the latter, maybe one day we will see the effect of our love. Maybe, just maybe there will be one less suicide. 

Moving on

Just look up, and don't look back. Sometimes people change and often they don't. In the end I am very sorry that you should think, that I could ever blame you. Maybe it's not me but maybe it is. If it is I am sorry and if it isn't I am still sorry. That you could ever hurt like that. 

Bah Humbug

Happy New Year. Bah Humbug, it is just going to be like last year and the year before that. And now that you have read my negative post, try and make a New year resolution to not post negative things, or even try to avoid pointing out peoples mistakes (grammar and spelling). It could make the social media world a better place. A very merry new year to you all.

Never the same

So I realized that I will never be the same. No matter what happens good or bad. I will never be the same, as I am in this moment. I will change. So I choose to change for the better. No matter what happens I can choose who I am. If bad things happen I can still choose to be good. I can't direct what things happen to me but I can choose how I react to those things.

Blue Skies

I am waiting for this storm in my life to fade into blue skies once more.

Rivers

Rivers run wide and deep be careful how you cross or you'll get your feet wet.

 

Sometimes people are rivers. They are constantly changing and taking the path of lest resistance. When you meet someone new its like coming to river. You can turn away and leave the person or you can float right over them, not really taking any interest in their problems, or you can get your feet wet. I'm not saying you should drown in their problems but perhaps you can learn to love the cold water that are their problems. By helping them you may very well find you are also helping yourself. Will you remember the river you floated across or will you remember the river you found love in. Your feet may be wet and your face be wet from tears of joy and happiness, but will you be a better person for dipping your feet in the river. 

There are no happy endings

I'm sure that title made you think I have totally lost it, but I promise I am perfectly sane. Well maybe just a little insane. Well,  anyways I realized that I don't want a happy ending, nor do I want a sad one. Because an ending in and of its self is sad. I think that we all need a happy progression. I want to eat sour fruit, so that the sweet is that much sweeter. I want to laugh and to cry. I want to make people happy, and I'm sure someone else will do the job of making them sad.

Well back to what I said before, there are no happy endings, because life won't just end. Life will go on and it won't end on a high note just as it won't end on a low. I is a constant song of low and high notes that create music. Maybe my song has been just a little sad but that doesn't mean it will stay that way forever. 

Time

Well its time for me to pick up my life and move on. Oh well I guess it "was" time because I already moved on, or maybe the time is now and I just moved on early. Hmmm well that's complicated. Life is moving on with or without me. So I decided to move with it. Time waits for no man. I will not forget, but I will not dwell on it. It's time.

Forgotten

The words that I love have disappeared, they have forgotten me. I am now left alone to try and make things right, but how can I make things right when I don't know what went wrong in the first place. How can I be loved when I don't even love myself.

People say I am holding back. Well how bad do you want to know what I am holding back, and what are you willing to do to find out.

End of a chapter

Its been so long since I last wrote. If you are just beginning reading my blog I would suggest you start from the beginning and read from there. We any ways I should explain myself. So here it is, I will no longer be writing about the mysterious beautiful girl I have been writing about.  I have been told many times that my blog is sad, so I will try to save you the pain. All I have is one last letter to her. This will end this chapter of my blog. It has taken weeks to write and now I will share it. 

Dear you,

This is my last letter to you, for now. I used to wonder if life was a dream because it was just so wonderful because I knew you. The sky was more shades of blue when you were around, the sun was always brighter, and I was always happier when you would smile at me (though I would never show it). I would find myself always wanting you to be happy because you brought so much joy and light into my life, from the day I met you. You brought light into a dark place. You gave me so much without me even realizing.

I would say the world was perfect when you were around, but it wasn't, and I wouldn't want it to be. Because how would I know happiness without a little pain. You showed me happiness, and I provided the pain in my life. You aren't perfect but I never wanted someone someone who was perfect, I wanted you. If you were to change yourself for someone then you wouldn't be you anymore, I am in love with you, not someone else.

I already know you do not share how I feel, so that is why this is the last post about love. All I wanted to say is that I don't know if I will ever stop loving you, but I will leave you alone. Well never truly alone I will always be there (just not with chocolate and roses). So I guess this is good bye for now. See ya soon, well maybe. I am ending this chapter in my life, I will no longer be writing about you. Just thinking about you. I never wanted anything from you, I just want you to be happy. So long be safe, and most of all be happy. Remember that all that pain will help you to be happier the next day.

   With a one sided love,

         The Cast Away       

More Questions

Someone told me to ask some of these questions, so I added some to make it more interesting. If you are reading this blog feel free to answer any or all of these questions. Write a comment or post a link to your own blog. Or just answer them to yourself. It will be fun.... Maybe.

1. If you were told you had six months left to live and someone handed you a million bucks, what would you do?
2. What do you want to be when you grow up?
3. How old do you consider yourself to be? (body & soul)
4. Who means most to you in the world? 
5. Do you believe in God?
6. What's your favorite color and why?
7. Tell me a song that brings back a lot of memories.
8. Tell me a song that changed your life.
9. Tell me about something you love to do and why you love to do it.
10. Tell me a joke.
11. How do you want to be remembered as a person?
12. Why do you read my blog?
13. Why are you here, on this earth?
14. What type of art do you love? (dancing, singing, painting, just any art)
15. What do you love about yourself?
16. What do you love about other people? 
17. Why do want to be loved?
18. What makes you sad?
19. What are some things that bring you Joy?
20. What would you do to make the world a better place?

Here we go again.

Yeah I know you are quite sick of me talking about...... you know who (the good attractive one, not the one without a nose), but here is some more. Well I have learned my lesson ( not really). I stopped loving her (well that's a lie). I am completely OK (who doesn't say that, really). Well lets see hmm I am going crazy. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I love her the same way every day, but there is no love for me. No, she does love me but not like I love her.
Someone once told me my blog was sad. I just want to say I am sorry. We all have enough pain in our lives.

Dare to stand alone

Questions and answers.

These are some questions I was asked I thought you guys would like to know the answers.

1. If you were told you had six months left to live and someone handed you a million bucks, what would you do?
2. What do you want to be when you grow up?
3. How old do you consider yourself to be? (body & soul)
4. Who means most to you in the world? (Don't answer this if it's too personal)
5. Do you believe in God?
6. What is a strange dream you've had?
7. What's your favorite color and why?
8. Tell me a song that brings back a lot of memories.
9. Tell me a song that changed your life.
10. Tell me about something you love to do and why you love to do it.
11. Tell me a joke.
12. Finally, how do you want to be remembered as a person?

1. I would give it all away. 1 million dollars it wouldn't mean anything with 6 months t live. Money can gain and lose value in a moment. I wouldn't want a penny of it. I want something that lasts. With so little time I would want give away one thousand nice words to people I don't know. Real sincere words, words that meant something. That would be worth more than all the money in the world. I love words more than I love any earthly thing.
2. Is happy an answer. That's all I really want is to be happy. I use to think once I had money I would be happy but that's not true.
3. My body is young, but my soul is so so old. I don't even know the age of my soul but I can tell you one thing I feel old.
4. I used to think money or power, but I realized that I was not happy. I know Power isn't a person but I loved it more than anyone or anything. With this girl I know, I would be dead or far worse of than I am now. She means the most to me.
5. With every fiber of my body. I know he lives and I love him. With out him there would be no me.
6. I don't dream when I sleep. I only dream when I am awake.
7. I love all the shades of blue because of my love of the sky and the magical ocean, but I also love all the shades green for its dependency and because I love things that grow. I love the shades of red because it is the symbol of passion and love. I love yellow and oranges because they are the symbol of happiness and I love to be happy, but what I love most is grey. I bet you wonder why I love grey, it is because of her eyes. What she considers boring and lifeless I find love. Grey has become the color of love for me. Not because the world said so, but because she said so.She made it mean love, she changed my view.
8."People Will Say We're In Love". It used to be me and her when we were "married". I didn't realize how much it was true.
9."Who am I?". I was lost then I was found, this song change my life.
10. I love to paint, no I just love art. All types of art, because I love beauty.
11. Do you know whats funny, people. People are funny.
12. I don't want to be remember, I want what I did to be remembered. I want people to see what I have done not and not acknowledge me. Its about them, not me.

What I thought....

I thought I was different. Or maybe that's what I dreamed. I dreamed of being different but I ended up just like the rest. I am just another rude disrespectful teen. I fell and I fell hard. To my friends I am the moneylender, a cruel old man who has no feelings. To her I am creepy always there and always thinking about her. To my parents they think I am lazy, the way they talk about me, I sound like the average teen. The biggest question is what am I, what am I really? Am I the moneylender? Do I not care about others? Am I creepy or do I just care? Am I lazy or am just tired? I will tell you who I think I am, I am old much to old for this young body. To old for anyone to love me. I am an artist I love the colors of the world. I am a lover not a fighter. My friends often say I am mean or cruel, but I just care about them, so I don't want them to get hurt. I care so I am mean, does that make sense? Is it a hard love?I dream about them understanding that I care.

All I want.

I just want a small cottage with large library, that is full of thousands of books. Good books, bad books, books that small of paper, and books that smell of leather. I love words,  no I love good words, I just want to write forever and ever. I also just want to find time for all of my Oil paintings, or my sculptures. I would love to just create I miss that. I want to bake and cook, and find time for all the things I don't find time for, but most of all I just want to be happy. I will be happy if shes happy and if shes not then I will do my best to make her happy. If that does not work then I will just have to choose happiness, but I will not forget her.

Its been a while.

Its funny how I speak so much, but I say so little. The people who truly understand me are the people who hear what I'm saying when I am not speaking. There are so many things I want to say, but I cant. I feel like I am two different people. I love one side but hate the other, but I would not be me without the other side. I am just trying to move on like they said. It hurts but if its whats best for her then what can I do. Move on. That is it just do it, it will hurt but if it whats best then I will do it. I love her but only on my own. I cant keep causing the drama. Its time for a change, I cant be apart of her life so I will move on.

Why do I love her.

If she ever ask me why I loved her what would I say? Would I say that I love her because she is beautiful, or maybe I would say it is because she never asked me to change. I feel like I could not express in all the words which I love so much, why I love her. It's not that there isn't anything to say, no, I could fill a thousand books with what I love about her. It's what I can't explain about her which is what I would want to tell her. I do not know how to say it, but it is there. I wish I could explain in one sentence, no in one word. The things that are the most beautiful are often the hardest to explain. I would write a book about her beauty but I want something more lasting. Something that could last forever. I would just like one word to explain it, because you can burn a book, but you can't destroy a word. I wish that I had one word to tell her why I love her. A word that one could explain the beauty of the sunrise or beauty of rain. Or a word that could explian all kindness or love in the world. A word that could mean everything that is beautiful. I would use this word to tell her why I loved her.

She often says that she hates her name, but that is one of the things I love about her. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. I hope that she understands that I would love her with of without her name the way it is.