Its been a while.

Its funny how I speak so much, but I say so little. The people who truly understand me are the people who hear what I'm saying when I am not speaking. There are so many things I want to say, but I cant. I feel like I am two different people. I love one side but hate the other, but I would not be me without the other side. I am just trying to move on like they said. It hurts but if its whats best for her then what can I do. Move on. That is it just do it, it will hurt but if it whats best then I will do it. I love her but only on my own. I cant keep causing the drama. Its time for a change, I cant be apart of her life so I will move on.

Why do I love her.

If she ever ask me why I loved her what would I say? Would I say that I love her because she is beautiful, or maybe I would say it is because she never asked me to change. I feel like I could not express in all the words which I love so much, why I love her. It's not that there isn't anything to say, no, I could fill a thousand books with what I love about her. It's what I can't explain about her which is what I would want to tell her. I do not know how to say it, but it is there. I wish I could explain in one sentence, no in one word. The things that are the most beautiful are often the hardest to explain. I would write a book about her beauty but I want something more lasting. Something that could last forever. I would just like one word to explain it, because you can burn a book, but you can't destroy a word. I wish that I had one word to tell her why I love her. A word that one could explain the beauty of the sunrise or beauty of rain. Or a word that could explian all kindness or love in the world. A word that could mean everything that is beautiful. I would use this word to tell her why I loved her.

She often says that she hates her name, but that is one of the things I love about her. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. I hope that she understands that I would love her with of without her name the way it is.

Don't play with her emotions.

There is so much. Really there is just so much. So much of everything, so much drama, so much beauty, and so much pain. I feel so much pain everyday, every second. There is a girl falling for me. I hardly even know her but I am so so sorry. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. I really hate to cause other people pain. It hurts me. I don't want to hurt her. I never want to hurt anyone ever. I want to tell this girl that she is beautiful, because she is, but I don't want to toy with her emotions. I would say it, because it is true, not to be "nice" and not to ask for something. Someone should tell her she is beautiful, but who? I cant give her my heart because it isn't mine to give. If I could choose her I would, but I cant. Like a friend once said "you would be my first choice, but it isn't my choice."

I hope that one day a perfect boy finds you, and treats you the way you deserve which is perfectly. I don't want to be the heart breaker, I want whats best for you. That isn't me right now. If it start now then it could go nowhere. All that is good is worth the wait. I will wait for the women I love for eternity, or I will do whats hardest and I will walk away. If that is whats best for her then I would walk away. Believe me when I say I know how it feels to love someone and their heart belongs to someone else. The hardest part is when you have to walk away. I would climb any mountain for her, but if it came to it I would walk back down. The way down would be much harder than up hill, but if that's what it takes for her happiness. Then I would do it. I would never ever do anything to hurt her, but if I did it would hurt me so much more. Now I want you to find your perfect man and I want you to marry him, not yet. Because everything that is good is worth the wait. Now I want to tell you, I think you're beautiful, not in a weird way but not in the way you want. I want the heart to break clean so that one day when you knight in shinning armor comes, he can fix it. I am no ones knight in shinning armor, yet. My armor is old and rusty, but I will fix and put all my love,effort, and time into it. Just like the heart of the girl whose heart was broken many times. This is my quest it may not be who I think it is but I know that one day there will be one girl, and I will love her better than I thought I ever could.

I am a Seeker of truth.

I am always on a quest, a quest for truth. I believe happiness is truth, but let us take a moment to understand what truth is. Truth is right, truth is holy, and truth is love. Happiness is a root from the tree of love. There are but two trees. The tree of love and the tree of fear. Hatred, greed, lust, and anything that would be considered evil are from the tree of fear. Fear is a wretched tree that at first glace all would turn away, but when one just sees the roots they do not know to turn away. The other tree is the tree of love. It is not some hippie form of love or some teen love triangle, it is not ever what many people base their relationships off of. It is a deep true love. Love, that is not selfish. Love without physical attraction. It is based off of caring more about another person more than yourself. You care for their happiness more than your own, and in the end you are happy if they are. All that is truth comes from the tree of love.

Trees grow as do love and fear. They are always growing more roots and they are always spreading. You must be careful to know which tree the root is from before you cling to it. I have been on a quest for truth and I have found it in love.

If I Can't Love Her: Beauty and the Beast

And in my twisted face
There's not the slightest trace
Of anything that even hints of kindness
And from my tortured shape
No comfort, no escape
I see, but deep within is utter blindness
Hopeless
As my dream dies
As the time flies
Love a lost illusion
Helpless
Unforgiven
Cold and driven
To this sad conclusion
No beauty could move me
No goodness improve me
No power on earth, if I can't love her
No passion could reach me
No lesson could teach me
How I could have love her and made her love me too
If I can't love her, then who?
Long ago I should have seen
All the things I could have been
Careless and unthinking, I moved onward
No pain could be deeper
No life could be cheaper
No point anymore, if I can't love her
No spirit could win me
No hope left within me
Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free
But it's not to be
If I can't love her
Let the world be done with me.

I hope

The only reason I would ever want her to be with me, is if I made her happy. My love for her is not for me, it is for her. I could never do anything except make her happy. So I think that has led me to where I am now. I'm going to try and give her some space. I have only added drama so I will leave her to be happy. If I could stop loving her I would, but I don't work like that. All that I want is her happiness. I have loved her since the day I met her. I did not realize that till a little while ago. I would never want her to love me now. Because nothing could come of it. If she ever did love me (which she won't) I would have it be later rather than sooner. Things that take the longest to form are the hardest to destroy. If it took me a thousand years then, it would be a thousand years well spent. If I had to walk a thousand miles, then I would walk them gladly. Anything worth working for is worth waiting for, and if its worth waiting for then it is good. I will wait and I will see where it leads me. I hope it leads me to joy, and I hope when it is all said and done. I hope she finds the joy and love she so desperately needs, but I hope it happens at the right time for her. I hope it isn't rushed. I hope it will last for her.

In love...... With something new.

I'm in love, with things that grow. In love with all of the plants and trees. I love the tulips in the spring and the leaves in the fall. I love the smell of everything new after a long winter. As a child I loved winter and summer, winter because it was fun, and summer because school was out and I could play all day. Now I love beauty I see beauty in all of goods creations, but I love the beauty in the spring with the blossoms and the flowers. I love the colors of the fall. I'm in love with a little pain, because without it I would not know happiness.

Choices

People say money is the root of all evil. I don't believe this to be true. Yes money cause problems but that does not mean money is bad, its what people do with money which is bad. People are not bad, but we are weak to temptation but we are also strong enough to overcome it! We don't have to live the way our fathers lived and we don't have to live the way we are living right now. Let me tell you a secret. Great leaders of the world don't live like everyone else, they realized that they could change the way people looked at things. They could mold the very way we think. So they used this great power or this great idea to rise above the rest of the people around them. You, yes you no matter who you are you can change the world. I know you must think I'm crazy because everyone says that. Well guess what? It's true! You could one day be the president of the United States! Leader’s aren't supposed to be above everyone they are supposed to be on the front lines blazing a trail for others to follow, so that it's easier for the people who come after them.

When something bad happens, people say that’s just the way life is but they are wrong. Life is the way you make it. You can just sit back and watch life go pass and do nothing about it, or you can choose to change it. Some of the biggest mistakes mankind has made is sitting around doing nothing. When you just waste time that is one of the greatest sin of all. You may think oh killing someone is worse. But if you think about it is wasting time when you take someone’s life it's just wasting their time.Think of all the time they could have spent helping other people, but now they cannot. When you spend time think poorly about someone you are wasting your own time now. Time you could use to help someone else get through all their pain. When someone hurts you all you think about is the pain you’re going through. Now think about the 6 billion other people out there that can feel that same pain the same pain your feeling. If you could help them with their pain  would you?