Writing about her...again.

Some how someone told me, she thought, that I believed we were soul mates. I know this is not the case. I never asked for her love. I wanted, but I never asked. The hardest part about loving her is knowing that she will never love me, but that's ok. I begin to understand her more and more every day.  So I know that there will never be love between us. I know that it's just a one way love. I'm on a one way road. and it leads to her. I will never reach her, but I will always love her. I don't want to be some charity case. I want love and if its not real then I would never want it. This is why I have such a hard time letting people help me. I have a hard time knowing when its real love, or if its just someone feeling like they are the be all and end all of charity, and they need to help to make themselves feel better. Love is helping them first then felling good. Not wanting to feel good then helping them.

Writers block

I have so many things I want to say, but I can't. I want to say I'm sorry. I want to explain myself but I can't. Well I'll try. Here it goes.

The only reason I get so angry when he says those things. Is because I am so afraid that what he is saying is true. I so don't want it to be true, that I try to hind my fear. I don't usually vocally express myself. I just write what I am feeling. People don't read my blog so they don't really know what's going through my head.

They say she knows.

All I know is that she is beautiful. They say she knows. I want to tell her but I don't. She has been through enough, she doesn't need anymore drama. I will love from a far. If she knows then I guess, well I guess she knows. If she knows that I'm in love with her then I hope that she understands that she is loved. I don't want anything from her. I don't want her love. I want her to be happy, and that could never happen with me. We are so different, but we are so alike. A friend told me that I deserve to be happy. I know I do and when she is happy I will be too. 

I may have just found what I have been looking for. I have felt something missing. All my life, I felt like I was missing something. I found it. I spent all this time trying to make ME happy. I never succeed. Then I found my happiness it didn't start with me. It started with her. She was happy just for a second and then so was I. Then it spread from just her. I helped some kid get up after he fell down. After that small act I felt that happiness again. I found it didn't start with me. I felt a new kind of love. Not that tween love but something more. I cared about something new. I stopped caring about myself and I cared about someone else. No I'm not perfect, but I will still try to bring others joy.  

If there was ever a time that I wanted her to know I loved her. It would be when she felt all alone. So it wasn't me getting credit. So that she would know I loved her from the day we met. I would also hope that she knew that she has been loved and always will be. She will always have a part of my love. I loved her with her quirks, and all of her imperfections.  She doesn't need to be perfect, because I love her not someone else.

In my dream world, we would spend everyday in our small dream home. By a fire with books. Our house would be a library. We would love to learn and write all the stories we lived and dreamed. We would fight sometimes but we would learn to understand. Because perfection isn't happiness, we cant know love with pain. The pain will make us love more.

One day she might know how much I love her, but it is not this day. And if she knows I want her to know, that I have loved her unconditionally, and will to the bitter end.

The good old Sunrise

Everyday I watch the sunrise, because my day starts so early. I realized the beauty in a sunrise. Anyone can stay up to watch the sunset, but not everyone can get up to watch the sunrise. Its not easy to wake up to see the beauty. I love the colors of the sunset, but I am in love with the meaning of a sunrise. It means you have survived another day, and as it rises over the mountain it drives the darkness away. It brings hope. Hope of another day. Hope that I can make it just one more day. That's how I live my life one sunrise at a time. No Im not a natural morning person, but I make myself a morning person. Its a beautiful work.

So I know this girl....

This girl is amazing. She is more than just attractive. She is basically perfect. No, she is not always perfect, but I wouldn't expect anything more from her. I wish her all the happiness in the world. I wish that she will find love but that she may also feel a little pain, because it will make that love mean so much more. I want her to have the absolute best. Her happiness is all that matters to me. As long as she is happy, I will be happy. If that means I would have to step back and let a better man take my place then that's what I will do. I want her to never have to be alone.

So I know this girl. This most beautiful and her name is.................. Well maybe latter.

The old souls

I do indeed feel like an old soul. I may look young, but when you look in my eyes you can see the age. I spent my time waiting for the opportunity to come here to this earth. I will not throw away this great gift. I have seen first hand the pains of the world. Don't anyone dare say I have not felt pain.I have seen pain but I have also found joy. I have discovered joy in places I did not expect. I have found joy in poverty and I have found pain in wealth. I don't wish for more power, just happiness. 

I feel as if I know nothing, but have seen a thousand lifetimes of the earth. It hurts some people to try and think about eternity, but I found out that's because they are trying to think about the end. I just think about the blessing of learning and growing forever. That will be my joy.

A post from a friend

This is part of a post from one of my friends. I would tell her but I feel she was she was never mine to lose.

"And above all. When you fall in love with her, tell her. Let her know you love her little habits, like how she bites her lip when she's thinking and how she never sleeps. tell her you like the way her hair curls and hold her when she's sad. and believe me, if you don't deserve her, you won't tell her, and if you don't tell her, you'll lose her, and that's just what comes with being an ordinary boy chasing after an extraordinary girl."
This is her blog  http://www.smalltownsunriser.blogspot.com/

Just a friend.

Tonight I was just a friend. They call me a brother, but I am just a friend. Their boyfriends will come and go, but I will always be there. I used to think that I needed to be more than just a friend. I was jealous of all of their relationships, but then I realized it's ok to just be a friend. I am there for you and I have always been there for you, all of you. When life gets you down I will lift you. When you are sad I will cry with you, but I will not let you cry forever. Because every sad tear that you shed, I will make you shed a happy one. You mean that much to me. If you are lost I will find you. I will always find you. Just remember when you need a dance partner, I will be there to dance awkwardly by your side. It is not the best dancers who are the happiest, it is the dancers who dance with their friends.

Beautiful

I have traveled the world. I have see some of the most beautiful locations in the world, and she is still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I have seen the bluest waters in the world, and her eyes beat that. She will be worth the wait.

Castaway: An Outcast

I feel like I should explain my blog. First I should define "Castaway".  A Castaway: is an outcast. That is what I sometimes make of myself and that is sometimes how others treat me, but it is more often my fault I am an outcast. I am often too hard on myself and on others, so other people don't really understand me. So if you are different, it is harder to be accepted.

You see, that is just one word "Castaway", but if you look closely you will notice that I used two words. "Cast away". I have been cast off from many groups. I have been ignored and forgotten more times than I can count. Sometimes others (and I) have sent me off to unknown regions of emotion, an endless sea that, without experience, one could easily become lost. Sometimes I feel as if I am stranded on an island of solitude. While my friends go off and make poor choices, I feel like I want to go with them, but then I realize that the water would be far over my head. If I were not able to swim anymore, I could drown. I have often gone with them and then I would feel like I started to drown. I could never tell them that, because they would think me weak. If there was anything I did not want them to think, it would be them believing me weak. I used to be the rock in their lives, but now I am drowning like the rest of them. I need saving.

I sometimes want something more than my little Desert Island but it is what I have been given. It is not what you have been given, it's what you do with that which you have been given. When we have been given a beautiful island paradise, we often long for rolling green fields, or never ending fields of wheat that we could just rest peacefully in. You don't realize what you have till its lost.

Love and fear

People don’t like to be messed with. They don’t like to be hurt. They don’t like to be embarrassed. There are many things people do not enjoy. But there are many things they do enjoy. People want to be loved. Love is not a mushy gushy thing only for the young; no, it is something much more than that. It is a deep desire in all of us, to be accepted, and to be loved.  We often do not understand the world around us. That is why we fear it because there are only two ultimate emotions in the world, love and fear. We want love, but fear being hurt. We want to be ourselves, but we fear being misunderstood. We often judge other people because we think they are judging us. But this is where we are wrong. By them judging us they are just judging a mirror image of themselves. The faults we look for in other people are the faults in ourselves. The hardest critic is yourself.  You are not judging other people you are judging you. We cannot even begin to understand the human condition. People think that people are cruel and self-centered and in most cases we tend to lean that way but this is where the world makes a mistake. People are really kind because when they find love, they are happy and when they are happy they will make others happy. There will be people who judge you. There will always be people judging you. But remember, they are just judging themselves.  The only thing that hinders love is fear.

Laughter: A force that can BUILD or DESTROY

Every day a new challenge. Today, I look insanity in the face and I laugh. A laugh that warms the heart or chills the bone. Laughter has the power to build and destroy. A laugh can build a relationship or completely ruin one. No one likes a laugh meant to harm. On the outside you laugh with them, but on the inside you fall. You fall so far from your nest on the tree limb. The fall is so far. You never want to fall again, but it happens so often you begin to ignore the pain. You cant stop other people from hurting you but you can stop hurting other people.  One simple chuckle is all it takes to make someone's soul soar higher than the clouds. It makes them feel wanted. Like a bird finally being able to fly. Like they belong.